


physical demonstrations

by mab



Category: Bedlam (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 05:55:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15503769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mab/pseuds/mab
Summary: Uncle Warren finds him on the third floor. He's in one of the empty units, supposed to be reattaching cabinet doors that have been pulled off by someone (something), but instead he's hugging the toilet, vomiting up his breakfast.aka a path the show didn't go down, but could have.





	physical demonstrations

**Author's Note:**

> well i wrote this while the show was still playing weekly and couldn't let it go. so you get it now. sorry, not sorry. heed the warnings on this one, guys. please.

Uncle Warren finds him on the third floor. He's in one of the empty units, supposed to be reattaching cabinet doors that have been pulled off by someone (something), but instead he's hugging the toilet, vomiting up his breakfast. 

(( _She had been young. So young and scared and there were five of them. Five men in white orderly uniforms, each taking a turn with her as she screamed and cried and begged. They locked her in what could only be called a cabinet after (explains the hatred for them now). She didn't utter a sound as she chewed through the veins on her wrists, spilt the last of her blood herself._ )) 

He had barely made it to the toilet.

"Do we have to add bulimia to your long list of mental issues, Jed?" Uncle Warren asks behind him and Jed's heart decides to drop, then hover somewhere around his balls. This is the first time since he moved in they are alone in an enclosed space. This will not end well.

Jed stands, goes to the stink on shaky legs (from the ghost memory, he tells himself, not fear of the human in front of him, not his own memories, no just her, her pain, the copper he can still taste in his own mouth) and splashes water on his face, turning his back on his uncle, which he knows will drives the man mad - his own mini rebellion.

When he straightens up, Uncle Warren is behind him in the mirror and Jed knows the look on his face too well. He swallows thickly, and shakes his head once, trying to deny him, trying to say no.  He thinks of running. He's never done that before, and he thinks he could get his elbow into his uncle's chest, or his neck (not the face, he's not suicidal, not really, just _tired_ ) and buy himself enough time to get to the door. He knows, right after he thinks it, that he won't. He may be bigger now, may have put on a lot more muscle doing sit ups and pushups in his room (cell) when the nightmares were too much to sleep, but Uncle Warren still has him, by the short hairs. 

Uncle Warren sees it in his face. Jed watches the man's reflection, if you can call him a man. "What," he asks, faking hurt about as well as he fakes concern, and Jed wants to punch him, feel his knuckles smash away that fucking look. Uncle Warren knows he owns Jed. "No kind words for your _nearest_ relative?" ( _I'm in charge of your care now. Your mother signed the paperwork. She doesn't want to deal with you anymore._ )

"I have many words for you, Uncle Warren. I just wouldn't call any of them kind," his stupid, stupid ( _hot, so hot_ ) mouth says, betraying him. He is only making this worse. It is never wise to piss off a sadist.

The first punch is to his lower left ribs. Floating ribs are easy targets. It's one of Uncle Warren's favorites. Painful, easy to break ( _You want to find out what this feels like with cracked ribs?_ ), and easily hidden. Uncle Warren must have really missed him, because a second punch comes in the exact same spot, harder and Jed can't breathe.

Uncle Warren's hands are on his fly, pulling down and Jed is grabbing the sink to keep his hands from punching. He can't hit Uncle Warren. Jed tries to remember how to breathe, tries to put himself as far from this damned bathroom as possible, when he feels her. His eyes are clenched shut, head hanging low between his shoulders, but when his eyes open, he can see her on his right, see her standing there in her dressing gown and her wrists aren't the only places bleeding there is blood between her legs and god, how hard did they hurt her to make all that blood? She looks furious. He can feel it, feel her rage and something glints in her hand and it's his box cutter from his tool box.

"No," Jed whispers, shaking.  If she cuts Uncle Warren, he's dead. Either he'll be angry, and kill Jed himself, or he'll be dead and Jed will spend the rest of his life trying to get people to believe a former mental patient that a ghost murdered his uncle. He'll go to maximum security and live the rest of his pathetic life with murderers and rapists. It won't matter who his nearest relative is because he'll never be free.

"Please, don't," he adds, eyes on the girl, who looks at him for a long moment (jeans down around his ankles now, boxers soon to follow), and Jed thinks she gets it, understands why she can't put the sharp blade through Uncle Warren's flesh.

Too strong fingers dig into his hips. He dreams of breaking them, one by one. He'll have bruises the next day. "Don't beg. It's pathetic," Uncle Warren says, but the heat pressing against him tells him uncle Warren is enjoying it immensely. 

The look on her face breaks his heart (boxers down now too, he swallows back bile at the feel of hands on his bare skin). She disappears. The box cutter clatters to the tiles.

Uncle Warren reaches for it.  "I've missed you, Jed," he says, and Jed knows it's true.

***

He's packing in his room, the one that used to be storage space and was hardly big enough for his bed and second hand wardrobe (found on a curb with only two working draws, but luckily Jed only owns one draw worth of clothing). His skin is red and raw from the shower, and his hands refuse to stop shaking, as he crumples up t-shirts and pants, glad he doesn't own much in the world because it's a lot easier for him to move out and run limping into the night after his uncle---

A knock on his door makes him jump and break his line of thought (thankfully). He turns, half afraid to see who it is, and relieved, momentarily to see Ryan in the doorway, frowning at him. Ryan is the least dangerous person Jed knows, so Jed's momentary spike of adrenaline fizzles away. But he is the closest thing Jed has ever really had to a friend, sad as that is, and Jed was hoping to slip away without doing…this. Whatever this will turn into.

"Jed, are you all right?" Of course Ryan would ask that, given the state Jed knew he had to look, and no he wasn't, which was why part of him resents being asked such a silly question. "Are you leaving?" There was something funny in Ryan's voice at that - disappointment or something else Jed can't place. "What's happened?" Three questions in Ryan's typical steady stream of speaking his thoughts as they come to him.

Jed opens his mouth to say something, anything but the truth, wanting to ask Ryan to shut up for three seconds because he was asking too many questions and only one Jed could answer - yes he was leaving, but he never gets a chance to say any of it. Ryan's eyes go almost comically wide and he's stepping into the room and Jed is leaning back, the edge of the bed pushing against the back of his knees and he's sitting by the time Ryan reaches him. And it hurts to sit and he can't think about that, about the only thing being used for lube was his own blood because Ryan is lifting bottom edge of his t-shirt and Jed looks down and sees the blood spotting it ('note for the future: don't wear light colors after getting cut up by your sadistic uncle' a sarcastic inner voice tells him) and all the air has been sucked out of the room. 

Jed can't breathe. Ryan's face has always been expressive. now it's too damned open as he looks between the neat lines cut into his flesh and Jed can read it in his eyes. Ryan thinks he did this to himself and Jed can't deny it. This is why it was done (other than Uncle Warren liking to make him hurt, make him bleed), to make it look like he was a danger to himself. That he needed to go back to hospital. 

Jed thinks of the girl, locked in a small space, violated, and how her only option seemed to be chewing through her own veins to make it stop and he knows, knows it deep in his gut that he'd do the same if he had to go back, he can't go back. He can't be locked up anymore, forced to think about every thought, every action, every word because they're always watching you and waiting for you to fuck up, to prove you're not sane yet and that you need more pills and more talking. He can't do it again and this is what Uncle Warren did to him, why he did it, to get Jed in this state of fear, of desperation, gasping and sitting on his bed in what is really a walk in closet ad Ryan holding up his shirt, looking at his fresh wounds and thinking he did it to himself.

There is no air in his lungs. He feels dizzy and sick and there's nothing left in him to vomit anyway. He doesn't know if he wants to cry or scream or both as the moment stretches on, Ryan looking at the cuts and then back at him. 

Then Ryan does the kindest thing anyone has done for him in a long time (other than believe him about the ghosts, Ryan does that and it keeps Jed sane), despite his face saying he thinks Jed hurt himself, he asks "Ghost?" in a funny high voice that makes Jed want to weep with relief. Ryan doesn't believe it for a moment, but he's playing along and that's more than Jed can ask for. He lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding and he can get another one in. The rush of oxygen to his brain makes him a little giddy. Or maybe it's relief that Ryan won't be the one calling in the men in white coats. 

He nods, starts with "I," but the simple, one letter word won't come out and he swallows a cough thickly. He can't meet Ryan's eyes and Ryan looks so worried, so obviously aware that it wasn't a ghost and so Jed starts talking, babbling about the girl on the third floor because half that story is true and feels less like a lie. "Was fixing the cabinets that got ripped off on the third floor. Apartment three thirteen. She..." This part makes his eyes burn and he coughs and rubs under his nose to keep the tears back. Coughing makes his ribs hurt and his torn skin ripple (and other places he can't think about right now shout in pain) and he can't help but wince and Ryan sees it, still holding up his t-shirt and reaches to press lightly on the bruise forming over his lower ribs, twisting along Jed's right side. Jed pushes Ryan's hand away, in fact it's nearly a slap. Ryan looks him in the eyes, and for a moment, Jed fears he is angry, but instead, he seems to understand.

"I cracked two ribs, in school." He looks at Jed with his head tilted slightly, and a sad little smirk quirks his lips. "Okay, a boy in the year above did it for me," he said and Jed's fists twitched. He knew bullies. Or they knew him, really. He had a reputation as the weird kid, after all. He could see Ryan having trouble with them too, he was a nice guy, a sensitive guy. Bullies hated boys like that almost as much as they hated mental patients. "It hurt like hell. I'm sorry, I should have known not to do that. It looks bad, Jed. Do you need to see a doctor?" Sometimes, Jed is impressed with how much Ryan can say with one breath, how many separate lines of thought he can get out in the space it usually takes Jed to say one.

A doctor would be all kinds of bad. He shakes his head, once. He doesn't say it, but he looks down at his stomach (Ryan is still holding up his shirt) and then up at the other man with a slightly raised eyebrow. He doesn't want to say it all, and maybe slightly sarcastic ('what do you think they'll say, Ryan?') is the right call, because Ryan nods, though Jed can see some hesitation in his eyes. The ribs help, for once, make it look a little less likely that Jed did this to himself. He knows that is probably the only reason why Ryan hasn't called the men in white coats yet (he had yet to be picked up by them, that was a minor consolation, he always walked in, even if it wasn't really of his own free will, no one ever had to pick him up).

"Is the ghost why you're going?" Ryan asks and there is disappointment in his voice. Of course he is disappointed. Jed is sticking his tail between his legs and running. The real reason is just as cowardly as the fake excuse he's giving. It doesn't occur to him that Ryan could simply be sad he's leaving, Jed isn't used to friends, isn't used to people wanting him around.

"I can't do this anymore, Ryan," he answers, and it's not a lie.  It feels good to say it, to admit it out loud, even if Ryan thinks 'this' means the ghosts rather than Uncle Warren blackmailing him into sex (and yes, Jed has to think of it as sex and not what it really is or he will just curl up in a ball on his bed and never move again, except maybe to chew through his wrists).

Ryan nods and his face goes carefully neutral (a trick he must have learned living with Kate who could go for the blood before you even realized you were in a fight). It's like he's pushing his own thoughts and feelings out of the way for Jed's, so he's just able to see it from Jed's point of view and it makes Jed sick for some reason (guilt). Silence stretches between them. Ryan seems to remember he's holding up Jed's t-shirt and lets it go. Jed is too busy staring at one black and gray striped suspender (Ryan must have a whole collection of the things) to say a word.

After a good minute of silence, Ryan sits next to him on the bed, gently pushing Jed's half stuffed bag out of the way. Jed doesn't even think the other man is aware of wrinkling his nose at Jed's just-ball-it-up-and-throw-it-in method of packing. Ryan lets out a little puff of breath.

"Where will you go?" He asks, and though his face is still that depressing neutral (like he's afraid to look upset) his voice is full of concern.

Jed shrugs. "I dunno. My mother is in France. Maybe I'll visit her. I've never been." Even as he says it, he knows he won't go. He hasn't seen his mother since she left him a decade ago. She couldn't take him, she had told him on her last night in England. She had drank too much wine at her farewell party and woke him at three in the morning to tell him in no uncertain terms, she was leaving the country to get away from him. She smelled of white zinfandel and had lipstick on her teeth. She said it was a mistake listening to her brother about adopting him, she should have known not to. It remains one of the worst nights of his life, not even the first time he was alone with Uncle Warren after that was worse. Three days later, Jed wasn't a virgin any longer and in five, he was in the hospital again, this time after downing almost an entire bottle of his current antipsychotic of the month. (( _Did you think this would bring her home? She hates you. I'm all you have._ ))

Ryan seems to see this all pass over his face. Or at least he knows Jed won't go to France, can't go to France. He doesn't make any suggestions, though Jed can see he wants to. Stay here, save money (get a job first, lie about why you have no real work experience at twenty five) and get a flat somewhere away from Bedlam (of course, it won't do to stay in town when you're not running from ghosts but a living, breathing, evil human being). He doesn't say any of that. Instead, he stands up, offering Jed his hand even though Jed is perfectly capable of standing on his own (he thinks) but Jed takes the offered hand up anyway. It's nice for someone to offer. Even if Jed's skin is still crawling, the novelty of someone offering to touch him in a kind way, a helping way, that Jed finds he can't turn it down. 

"Come on then," Ryan says after a moment, and Jed is vaguely proud his legs hold him. Ryan lets go and starts walking towards the bathroom. "I'll show you how to properly bandage something," he calls over his shoulder, the barest hint of a smirk on his face at the light tease.

In the bathroom, Ryan almost makes Jed cry, and not from the pain of disinfectant (was it necessary to use that much?). And it's not from the way his skin is full of spiders with Ryan sharing this much of his personal space (Jed tells himself it's because he's not used to having people in his personal space and not because of what happened less than two hours before). It's because, after the cuts are cleaned and bandaged (doubled up, so no one else sees what Ryan did and thinks the worst), Ryan says, quietly, like he's afraid to say it too loud, "I'll miss you if you go." He doesn't look at Jed as he says it, and Jed can tell it's as hard for Ryan to say as it is for Jed to hear.

Later, he does cry, just a few, frustrated, beaten tears when he gets a text:  
 ** _Run and I will find you. I will make you pay and then you'll never see another day of freedom for the rest of your pathetic life._**

Jed is not a stupid man. he knows when he's beaten. But it still hurts.

Ryan's smile in the morning, genuinely happy to see him still there and eating cereal at the table when he wakes up, is almost a comfort.

Almost.

***

For three days, everything is calm. Everything but Jed, at least. His stomach is in constant knots, and anytime he's alone, he's looking over his shoulder (more than normal, not looking out for ghosts). He fixes the cabinets like Kate demands (after he watches Uncle Warren's car pull out of the carpark) and then a second time after the doors are ripped off again.  The girl doesn't appear when he fixes them either time, though he does thank her, softly, quietly, afraid to be over heard, for her offer of help.

On the third night, everything goes to hell. Kate comes storming in just as Jed, Molly and Ryan are setting the table for dinner. It's a meal they won't get to eat.

"I've got them on tape!" She announces, and its Kate so she wants everyone to listen to her, to drop everything, so she says it so damn loud that Jed nearly hits the ceiling. Luckily everyone's eyes are on her as she wants. She has a small red video camera in her hand.

"Not tape, really," Ryan says. That gets him a bit of a glare.

"Who?" Molly asks, and Kate smiles at her, proud someone's playing along.

"The vandals that keep trashing unit three thirteen."

This is when Jed does drop everything. Or at least the wine glass in his hand. "When," he starts but his voice is broken and freaked out and scared, but only Ryan seems to notice. He's looking at Jed with too smart eyes. "When did you put a camera in there?" Where was it? Probably trained on the cabinets (right?) did that show into the bathroom? What would be caught on tape? The angles might be just right that no one sees anything but Warren and him going in the bathroom and out and he can't remember if the damn door was shut and the room is spinning and a hand on his chest is pushing him into the nearest chair and Ryan looking down at him face full of concern and Jed gulps in a too big breath that makes him cough and his aching rib ache. He winces, too preoccupied with his swirling thoughts to hide it, and presses a hand to his side. The cuts on his stomach itch in time with his pounding pulse. 

"Jed?" Ryan asks it quietly, clearly concerned by also confused by his rather severe reaction. Jed raises his eyes to see Molly and Kate both looking at him too, though only one of them rolls their eyes at him.

"After they did it a second time," Kate answers him, and Jed manages not to slump with relief. Her eyes are triumphant, she dizzy with it, he can tell. Her eyes sparkle with their the gleam he's known most his life when she says to him: "Are you worried I caught you being weird on camera? talking to your imaginary friends?"

"Well, what did you see?" Ryan interrupts before Jed can say anything (as if he could, his vocal cords are paralyzed along with his diaphragm).

At this, Kate's smile drops a bit. "I don't know. I started to play it back and then the screen went blank."

Ryan laughs, more fond than malicious. "You're hopeless. Give it here. I'll hook it up to the telly."

She hands it over and pulls out her mobile as Ryan goes to his room, mumbling about cables that Kate probably lost. He's got himself breathing, carefully ignoring Molly reaching around him to cautiously pick up the pieces of broken wine glass, eyes on him, watching him, until he realizes who Kate is talking to on the phone and his newly re-found ability disappears again.

"Yes. I have it all on tape. Come to our flat, we're going to watch it." She frowns at the phone and hangs up as Ryan comes back out, black cables already attached to the side of the camera.

"You do know there's no actual tape anymore, right?" He asks Kate, but she just glares (something wrong, something in the way Uncle Warren must have answered her, not interested, maybe, not proud enough).

Ryan fidgets with the telly, getting the camera connected in three places to the input on the front of the machine. He starts to play the recording, when Kate stops him.

"No, Dad said wait for him."  He's coming then. Lovely.

Jed stands, figuring he can sneak off to his room (cupboard) as Ryan nods and pauses the tape. Jed feels her before he sees the ghost, feels her sorrow and pain and then she's right next to Ryan. Jed's throat makes a small sound, a cross between a cry of surprise and a warning and Ryan looks up at him, eyes wide under his glasses, definitely confused now. That's when she makes the machine fast forward. Jed is sure it is her doing.

Ryan drops the camera as if it burns him (cold, though, probably suddenly ice cold) and pushes back with his feet from his squatting position in front of the telly as Kate snaps "Careful!" when her camera hits the carpet.

"Jed," Ryan asks, like he can sense what just happened, that there is something else in the room and wants to know what is going on, but then the recording stops fast forwarding and beings to play on the television screen. The girl smiles at him and disappears. The door to three thirteen opens up and everything in the flat stops as two people walk in on screen.

At first, even Jed can't really believe it, and he knows Warren better than anyone else in the room. it's the bastard himself, and a…a kid. The boy (what is he, fourteen?) that lives with his single father on the second floor. Jed nearly throws up as Warren pushes the kid's shoulder down, down so he's kneeling in front of him and then Warren's hands are at his own fly, undoing himself and Jed is leaping (falling) over the chair in the way, scrambling for the wires because he can't he can't watch this and pain makes sparks fly up his torso when he hits the floor chest first, two fingers catching on one of the inputs and pulling but of course it's the sound only (thank god there is no sound to begin with) and the picture hangs on the screen despite how badly he wants it to go away and he's looking up at the telly too, unable to stop himself, unable to reach a second time and get the right plug because Warren's hands are in the kid's hair now and he knows, Christ Jed _knows_ that the boy can't breathe, and the kid's struggling, hands flat on Warren's thighs, trying to push back and no one in the flat is making any sound and what are they doing and he can't look away until the shout comes that's not from the soundless horror show on the television in front of him but from Kate.

Uncle Warren is in the room and holding her by the arm, tight, so tight his fingers are bloodless and he slaps her, calls her a bitch and Jed is on his feet (how did he get up, when did he get up) and Warren's hand is on Kate's neck, he's shouting "How could you spy on me?" and he's fucking choking her and that's when Jed hits him.

The pain of it shoots up Jed's fist and he does it again before Warren lets go of Kate, who falls to the ground, sobbing. She might as well not be in the room as far as Jed is concerned, though. Warren's nose is gushing and he's pissed, eyes pure rage and Jed swings again because he's not much more than pure rage either and something knocks the wind out of him and looks down, stupidly, to see the blood spreading down his left side and he can't believe his uncle has actually cut him, stabbed him, actually stabbed him with a knife that's still in his hand and that's not good. Molly is shouting and Ryan is shouting and how/when did Jed get on the floor again?

And Uncle Warren is on top of him, kneeling on either side of his chest and Jed's chest is heaving, he can't get a breath in and Uncle Warren looks so fucking smug that Jed swings wildly at him. Uncle Warren dodges easily, presses the knife (a pocket knife, a nice decorate handle, expensive tastes, his uncle) against Jed's throat and he stops even trying to breathe despite the panicked pounding of his heart.

"You can join your crazy fucking mother now," Uncle Warren tells him, and Jed squeezes his eyes shut, knowing that this is the moment, knowing that the knife is going to press into the soft flesh of his neck and end his existence. It is going to hurt, he realizes. Of course he'd leave this world in pain. He wonders who he'll get to haunt, a horrible last thought but it comes unbidden. 

The pain, the end never comes.

He only opens he's eyes when he's slapped in the face. Ryan is leaning over him (not on him) and slapping him, his voice frantic as he calls Jed's name. Uncle Warren is on the floor, slumped over unconscious. And Jed is gasping, gasping but his breath feels wet and he can't really get any air in and Ryan is hurting him, pushing fucking pushing against his side where he's hurt and for a moment, a long moment, Jed doesn't get that Ryan's applying pressure, like they do in movies and Jed really really can't breathe so he forgives himself for his confusion. 

"It's okay, it's all right," Ryan is babbling at him and his hand moves on its own to grab onto Ryan's arm where it pushes against his side, squeezing as hard as Ryan is pushing and Jed is scared, really, really scared. "Molly's called the police. They're sending an ambulance. Just hang on. This is nothing, right?" And there is such desperation in Ryan's voice. Jed wants to believe him but it doesn't feel like nothing it fucking hurts.

He looks away from Ryan's desperation to see the blood (his blood oh fuck there's quite a lot of it) and it's staining the floor and Jed's laughing though it doesn't sound much like a laugh and it turns into a cough and he's _wheezing_ his body making this horrible sound and Ryan is shouting what, what, what and Jed's mouth moves, hears himself say "Security deposit" and then he doesn't hear or see anything else.

***

All hospitals smell the same, even looney bins. It's the first thing Jed is aware of as he wakes. If he was in a better state mentally, maybe he wouldn't have confused the feeling of waking from nearly dying with waking from sedation and that it was probably morphine in his blood, not sedative. Or he would've realized earlier the steady beeping picking up speed was his own heartbeat, and they usually don't put a monitor on you after sticking you with the calm-down needle (a patient when he was ten called it that, and he liked it, took some of the power of the drugs away by giving it a lame name). None of this really registers at all, because for Jed, waking up in a hospital bed only means one thing and _he just got let out_.

He's sitting up before his eyes are open, tearing at the wires on his chest, a sharp pain on the inside of his arm and he doesn't get he pulled an IV out and his fingers won't really work and the monitor is definitely attached to his chest, definitely monitoring his heart because it starts going crazy, emitting a warning beep and oh god his chest hurts and something is in him and dragging him down, a completely painful and unwelcome sensation. He doesn't spare that any thoughts, not while he's still barely able to see past the light in his face and he's pulling at something on his face next (never wake up with that either, but it's instinct now not rational thought) and then someone has his wrists and he screams which hurts more than gasping for breath and someone is saying his name over and over, and there isn't a clinical dryness or frustration to the voice like he's used to and finally, finally his eyes start to focus in the dim room and he realizes that it's Ryan leaning over him again, Ryan holding his wrists and Ryan saying his name.

For a moment, he just breathes (tries to, something is wrong with him and he can't remember and breathing is too hard). Ryan's hands leave his wrists and push gently at his shoulders so he's laying back against the bed which is good because just sitting up is really, really hard and he _hurts_.

"It's okay, Jed. You were hurt, not..." Ryan trails off, either because he doesn't know how to finish the sentence (committed, sectioned, drugged for being a fucking worthless nutjob) or because that's when the Sister comes in. Ryan looks guilty at her and Jed realizes that he's still got one hand on his shoulder, rubbing, trying to be a comfort and bloody hell it really does help a little.

"It's all right," Ryan says to the Sister, who's look clearly says let me be the judge of that (she has seen his records then, knows he's crazy). But Jed's monitor isn't making that sound anymore, and that must mean he's calming down even though he's scared of the nurse and confused and he hurts. His head is spinning and breathing is really, really hard.

"I've seen them wake up like that before," the woman tells Ryan, not Jed, and Jed knows what 'them' means and it makes breathing even harder especially when she comes near him (monitor beeping quicker and quicker again, he's going to get a needle) but she reaches over and puts something in his nose and Jed realizes it's oxygen (why?) and then she says "You need to leave that on. Your lung collapsed," and he nods, stupidly, trying to be good even though he's still not so sure why his fucking lung collapsed (Christ does it hurt though).

The Sister looks between Jed and Ryan and sighs, as she picks up Jed's right arm and he sees why his hands wouldn't work, his hand is in a cast and his arm is bleeding. Pulled out the IV. "You were injured. Do you remember, Jed?" She asks but doesn't give him anything more to go on and suddenly Ryan isn't really looking at him.

His head has been stuffed with cotton (morphine, he realizes, he's only had it once, a shot when he was sixteen after a violent patient shoved him down some stairs and he broke his collar bone) and it is making things fuzzy around the edges, making it hard to really think and the pain and fear isn't really helping matters. And then he does remember. The not-actually-tape-tape and the boy and the ghost and his monitor is going off again and he really wishes they'd take it off.

"Kate?" He forces out with a breath he doesn't really have to spare and Ryan is squeezing his shoulder and now looking at him again. "She's all right. At home. They gave her something to help her sleep. Moll's with her."

Jed nods, closes his eyes, relieved the warning sound stops after a few moments. This Sister is very kind to let him freak out and not give him a shot. His next question makes his heart speed up a little, just slightly and he fucking hates the warning alarm. "Unc-"

Ryan cuts him off, saving him from having to say the name. "In hospital too."  Jed opens his eyes to look at Ryan, picking up on the tone in his friend's voice. Pride mixed with I-should-be-feeling-guilty-but-I'm-not. "I cracked his skull with a bottle of Pino....He's quite concussed. And under arrest the second he's medically cleared."

Silence. Jed tries to breathe in through his nose. Tries not to thank Ryan for doing that in front of the nurse…doesn't know what to say other than that. Jed closes his eyes and lets out a slight grunt to show he understood Ryan's words – they deserve that much of an acknowledgement.

The nurse picks his arm back up and Jed still can't get himself to open his eyes. "Little pinch," is all the warning he gets before she puts the IV back in, using a vein in his elbow and he yelps more out of surprise than pain. "Don't pull it out again. We need to get your bedding changed," she tells him. "And a new gown." Jed opens his eyes and looks at her, even manages a little nod. She offers him a sad little smile and then leaves.

He's fading out already, head feeling so heavy now that the adrenaline surge is starting to taper off. Ryan gives his shoulder once last squeeze before letting go and for a second, one horrible second Jed is afraid he'd being left alone but then Ryan sits down in the chair he must have been in before Jed freaked the fuck out. Ryan looks terrible, Jed realizes. Older. Worn out.

"Thank you," he says because Ryan saved his life. Ryan is studying the floor, not looking up at him and for a long moment, Jed is confused, wondering if Ryan feels bad for hurting Warren as bad as he did. Then he speaks, eyes still on the floor and Jed gets why he won't look at him.

"The police want to speak with you in a few days," he says and Jed knows it's not just about the stabbing. He knows it and he feels sick, but his eyes are heavy and he manages a (hopefully not too) panicked sounding "Alright."

He's almost asleep again (asleep, not sedated, not unconscious, asleep), when Ryan speaks again, softly, hesitantly, maybe hoping Jed is asleep and won't answer. "It wasn't a ghost that cut you, was it?" Jed, keeping his eyes closed so he doesn't have to see the look on Ryan's face (but doesn’t stop him from imagining it), nods. Ryan lets out a sigh, like he was holding his breath waiting for an answer he already knew. "That's why you were scared that night. Of him. I should've....the ghosts don't scare you like that." He does open his eyes then, because the guilt in Ryan's voice makes something twist in his belly.

"You couldn't have known," it's about four words more than Jed feels he can get out right now, he's so heavy, so tired, but he says them anyway because Ryan needs to hear them even if it's clear on the other man's face that he doesn't believe Jed for a moment. "I made sure of that," he adds, struggling to form words, it's like his tongue and brain have forgotten how to work together, he's that shattered. "I've been hiding it for a long time," which, going by Ryan's face was kind of the wrong thing to say, to admit it wasn't the first time, but maybe not really a surprise either, because Ryan just nods, looking down at his shoes. It will take a lot clearer of a head and a whole hell of a lot more energy than Jed currently has to convince Ryan that he really couldn't have known. Jed decides to file that under 'problems to deal with later' right next to the police and the ache that is floating beneath his breastbone, that has nothing to do with his injured ribs or lungs. 

Silence falls, and Jed almost nods off again, then his eyes jerk open. "Don't let me wake up in here alone?" he says, and it's meant to be a request, a plea, one he's too tired and hurting too much and still a little too scared to be ashamed of, but it comes out as a question instead.

Ryan smiles at him, and takes his hand (the left one, not in a cast) and nods. "Of course not," he promises and something loosens up under his breastbone, and he can breathe a little better again.

Later, there will be police and nightmares and guilt and pictures of his cut stomach (that may be nearly the worst thing until he has to come face to face with Kate again) and more guilt and nightmares and a ghost in his hospital room that just wants him to tell someone she didn't kill herself, her OD was a dumb accidental combination of the exact wrong drugs (her husband will sob on the phone when Jed tells him this and say he knew, he knew she wouldn't do that to him) and a teary phone call from his mother (it's worse than seeing Kate for the first time) but she won't come see him because she feels too guilty and that will hurt more than anything, his adoptive mother not coming to the hospital even though he never expects her to come visit him for the same reason he doesn't visit her The realization that she probably still hates him for fucking up her life, even after she hears how she fucked his worse, will nearly make him wish Ryan was a few seconds slower with the bottle of wine, but then he'll remember the man's sobs of relief and the smile on the ghost woman's face when she realizes he knew already and it all will almost be worth it.

All that will come later. Now, there is just Ryan's hand holding his, a physical demonstration of his promise to stay. Jed can let the morphine and exhaustion take him away because Ryan has his hand and Ryan won't let him wake up alone in a hospital because at least Ryan knows he's not crazy and believes him about the ghosts and gets why Jed is freaked without Jed having to spell it all out and it is, really the second nicest thing Ryan has ever done for him, the first being saving his life. The third nicest thing is being his friend, which may just save his sanity and his life too.


End file.
